Grade 1
This plain mundane simple pain will be the death of me
It’s not what’s done to me right now that will destroy me
Oh no
My deterioration began long ago
It begins in first grade when the mean kids conspire to ignore and ridicule you
You didn’t have any friends
Maybe because you didn’t have a good handle on hygiene
Or that your clothes weren’t brand new
And you go home to be warm and safe your parent is drunk and abusive and in their own sort of pain and you’re the one that’s the butt of all the pain and horrors
And you’re forced to eat out of the dog’s food bowl
And your hit and spit on
And called worthless
1st Grade
And “FAILURE” Is written on the bathroom mirror in bright red lipstick so you see it every day.
So you see it every day
So you know it every day
So you feel it everyday
So you still feel it to this day
Or when you’re in high school
But you’re not in high school. Because you’re out shooting up heroin in your arms and your feet and you died that one time but came back
And that friend you shot up with died and did not step into the light
Lay there dope head sinner
your friend you’ve been shooting up with died and did not step back to the light but why are you so lucky and he wasn’t
But I’m not even 10% the person you were.
And you got a nosebleed from too much of that cane
Or cutting grass with a ruler and scissors from the meth
And you took too many Mushrooms and that’s when the voices started and the static that gnawed at your conscience. And that’s the reason why you can’t look at squirrels too long And there are the chips and pitter-patters of mice and ants while people are speaking to you and you know it’s not real
BUT IT IS REAL
AND THIS IS THE 7TH RING OF HELL
And you don’t sleep or eat. Because your brain is rotting and so are your teeth
And your reality is all in decay.
The sickness of your very soul is turned inside out
As they all watch you die.
Every time the catastrophe hits.
You Die Alittle
Dying a little begets dying alot
Less of you is available. You Die
You seethe. Die and I’ll die them good
You’re less you…
Then your car doesn’t start because of a bad part and you don’t have the money
You could have.
But you don’t
You didn’t go to school
Or save anything
Or do a sport
When you had the time.
Now you have no dates
You were undesirable and still are and you’ll always be subject to the lesserness of life
Time is elastic and for no one shall it wait
time waste time wait TIME! I need to masterbate
You’re stuck being you.
Damn you for being me
Or damn me for being you
You’re alone
And dead inside
And you REALLY. Want to chase the dragon and say FUCK YOU ALL WITH NO REGRETS
But.. It’s not time yet.
The dog pissed on my favorite shirt
And your girlfriend left you because you’re not Muslim
And. Your cousin dies the day after you talk to him
And your toast in the toaster burns
And you’re running late
And a fucking squirrel eats your strawberry plant
And
And
And
It’s not that I have no money now
it’s not that there is no love now
And it’s not that I’m still a druggie. Now
And it’s not that I’m dying NOW
I died in Grade 1
